Apr 25 2013
2 Comments
Dear Becca...

When Kissing Goes Bad

Dear Ladybro,

 

Had a great date, lots of chemistry, slight hand touching arm around her shoulder, you know all the signs that things are going well. Walk her to the cab, go in for the kiss……and well, horrible kissing ensues, I mean horrible.  Now I consider myself a pretty good kisser, and she may have as well, but we definitely had no common ground in that moment.  I can’t stop thinking about it, and as much as i want to go out with this girl again, I do not know if it’s worth it.

Advice PLEASE

From,

AlltongueandnolipsBRO 

 

Dear AlltongueandnolipsBRO,

Oh man.  I hate to say this, but that really sucks.  I really don’t think there’s a good way to sugar-coat it.  You can tell so much about the future of your relationship (or the potential of a relationship, rather) based on your kissing chemistry.  Some people have different kissing techniques, which is totally fine and great, but it’s all about if your kissing is compatible with your date’s kissing.  If you are truly incompatible with your lover’s kissing, then that may be a sign from above that you should get out while you’re ahead.

It’s a tough situation that you are in, because it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself on your date.  It’s so obnoxious when personality chemistry does not vibe with physical chemistry, or vice versa.  You can have the most amazing conversations with a person and think they’re attractive, but when you go for the kiss, it just fizzles.

On the bright side, I do not think every relationship with a bad first kiss is totally doomed.  People kiss differently, and people’s kissing can change over time too (hopefully hers can!).  I don’t want to go through a list of hypothetical situations or excuses, but I can’t help but wonder how experienced she is or when her last relationship was.  Maybe the last guy she was with “trained” her to kiss that way.  Or maybe she’s just super inexperienced and needs a handsome stud like you to show her the way!  If you think she’s worth spending more time with and getting to know, then there are NICE and SENSITIVE ways of communicating with her about it.  Based on your question, it seems like you are all about lip action and not as much tongue (good for you!).  So maybe if you decide to go out with her again and things get steamy, you can tell her that you think it’s sexy when she uses her lips more when she kisses.  Or tell her you want to ease into the kiss and put the breaks on the kiss if she starts molesting your mouth with her tongue.  However, you have to be willing to put the time into it, which at our age, seems annoying.

By the time you’re in your mid/late 20′s, you would hope that bad first kisses are things of the past, but sadly, I don’t think they are.  It’s all about finding the right kissing chemistry!  I honestly think it’s less about “technique” but more about how the kiss made you feel.  But this is also assuming that the person knows not to try to push their tongue down your throat.  So, I’m sorry homie, this really is a rough situation to be in. It’s totally your decision if you want to take her out for a second time and try the kissing again.  You never know, maybe it was a weird one-time thing?  If it were me, I may go out with them one more time if we had a lot of fun together on the first date, minus the slobbery kissing, and see what happens the second time.  If it happens again, you can tell her you’ve had fun getting to know her, but you just don’t feel that romantic chemistry.

Hope this was helpful!

xoxo

Becca

And just for giggles:

awkward-kiss-Meryl-and-Sand

(Looks like you may be Meryl in this situation!)

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and check me out on Facebook!

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Apr 03 2013
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Dear Becca...

Sex On the First Date?

Dear Becca,

I feel these days we live in a society where kissing has become the new m/f handshake, we kind of take it for granted, nobody seems to enjoy just a nice make out session anymore and usually it leads straight to the bedroom. That being said, is sex on the first date acceptable? Can you still really be into someone after they lay it all on the table the first night? And what is the best way to tell someone that sex isn’t what you are immediately interested in, without sounding like a wet blanket.

Thanks,

Wanting to Wait Bro

 

Dear Wanting to Wait Bro,

This is a tough question because there is no right answer.  Everyone has their own rules about how long to wait before “going all the way”.  First of all, I could not agree with you more on your first point about taking kissing for granted.  I also find it so refreshing to hear a guy say that!  Kissing can be a wonderful and romantic thing.  I love it when I hear a friend talk to me about the beginning stages of a relationship, and they tell me how they made out “like high schoolers” at the end of the date, and that was it.  You can tell so much about the chemistry you have with someone just from kissing.  If you have bad kissing chemistry with someone, that can be very telling about the future of your intimate encounters.

However, it’s a different ball game once you bring sex into the picture.  When giving my pals advice on this, I always tell them to be sure that they’re ready to have sex, because once you bring sex into the picture, you can never go back to the making out like teenagers stage.  Once you start, it is expected that you will have sex after every date or every time you see each other.  If you’re ready for that, I say go for it (just make sure you use protection)!

I do not want to give a “yes” or “no” answer to your question about whether or not sex on the first date is acceptable because everyone is so different, and every first date is different.  A lot comes into play when thinking about this.  A first date with someone could mean in some cases that it is the first time that you are actually meeting this person in real life, or it could mean you’ve been friends or even make-out buddies for a while, and now you’re taking the next step and attempting to date each other.  I know people who have waited weeks or even months until sleeping with their current boyfriends/ girlfriends, and I also know people who have slept with their current bf/ gf on the first or second date.  All of these people have happy and healthy relationships, so I can’t say whether waiting or not waiting for sex had a major effect on the future of the relationship.

It sounds like from your question that you lose interest with someone after having sex in the first date.  It is important to recognize this about yourself.  If you go out with a girl, and she gives you the green light to have some sexy time, you can tell her that you want to wait a little longer.  Her ego may hurt a little bit because most girls have it ingrained in their brains that men always want and think about sex, and turning her down may make her assume you’re not interested.  It is very important that you communicate to her that you do want to sleep with her (very badly), but you are concerned that you are rushing things and want to take the time to get to know her before you have sex.  If you make it clear to her that you are sexually attracted to her, but you just want to wait a little bit longer before doing “it”, she should respond well.  If she guilt trips you about it or makes you feel like a “wet blanket” then she’s probably not worth your time anyway.

For all you ladies out there reading this and have the same question, I think it’s generally a good rule of thumb to wait until at least the 3rd or 4th date to sleep with someone.  I only say this because of the countless men I’ve talked to who agree that they lose interest in dating a girl if you sleep with him right away.  But, like I said earlier, everyone has a different view on this, and some guys may find it sexy that you have the confidence and sex drive to sleep with them right away.

Generally speaking, I think we all like a little bit of mystery and build-up.  If you wait a little bit longer, think of all the sexual tension you have built-up over the past couple/ multiple dates (sexy).  Regardless of what you all decide to do, just make sure that you feel comfortable (don’t give into pressure), use protection, and have sex because it’s what YOU want.

Hope this was helpful! I know this is a hot topic, so readers, please feel free to voice your opinions on the matter!

xoxo

Becca

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and check me out on Facebook!

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Mar 28 2013
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The Bros

Jack

I have a brand new Bro today for all you single, Chicago ladies out there!  Jack describes himself as being very patriotic, energetic, active, and a huge lover of baseball (Cubs fan for life!).  He has even played professional baseball around the country and the world for the past couple of years.  He told me that he’s now starting the next chapter of his life.  Jack is very interested in being active and weight-lifting, but he said he is definitely not a “meat head” or a “gym rat”.  He is looking for a smart, intellectual, and active lady.   His ideal first date would be taking you on a picnic in Millennium Park, preferably during the summer when there’s an outdoor concert going on, or going to a baseball game (he even told me that he’d be willing to go to a Sox game for the right girl!).  Ladies, if you’re lucky Jack may even show off his singing skills for you too!  Jack sounds like a home-run to me!  Ladies, now I’ll let this cutie speak for himself:

Name: Jack

Age: 26

Height: 6’0

What Neighborhood in Chicago do you live in: Beverly

Occupation: Naval officer to be (former pro baseball player)

Favorite Place You’ve Ever Visited: Rome, Brussels, Malibu

Favorite Musician/ Band: 311

Favorite Movie: Wizard of Oz

Favorite Sports Team: Cubs

Ideal First Date: Baseball game or summer picnic at Millennium Park

Favorite Bar or Restaurant in Chicago: Murphy’s Bleachers

First Celebrity Crush: Lori Loughhlin (Aunt Becky from Full House)

Ideal Vacation Spot: Dubai

Boxers or Briefs or…: Boxer Briefs

Favorite Physical Feature on a Girl: Hair, waist, and perfume.

Drink of Choice: Daisy Cutter, Dr. Pepper

If you could have any super-power, what would it be?: Flight, like everyone.

Beach or Mountains?: Mountains

Beer Pong or Flip Cup?: Slow drinking

What’s your signature dish that you cook?: Chocolate chip pancakes.

Favorite 90′s T.V. Show: Just one? Tough. That 70′s Show.

Interesting Fact about Yourself: I probably know more about American history than many with doctorates in the study.

Jack

Yum!  Who of you single ladies out there wants to go out with an American history buff who used to play professional baseball?  Jack seems to be the perfect “catch” (ha ha ha ha) for any Midwest lady.  Girls, hit me up if you’d like to learn more about Jack, would like to be set-up, or thinks that your friend would absolutely go ga-ga for him.  E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and like me on Facebook

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Mar 27 2013
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Dear Becca...

The Girl Who is Constantly Rescheduling

Dear Becca,

I had a date scheduled last week with a girl I’ve traded  a few messages with online, but she had to cancel due to work reasons. She asked if we could reschedule for a day this week, but last night she messaged me again asking to reschedule. She was very apologetic, and I totally get that work stuff really isn’t under her control. But at the same time, I feel like I am somewhat weakened, or maybe seem a tad desperate, by repeatedly changing my schedule based on her availability. I really am interested in meeting and getting to know her, but at what point should I call it a day and move on? Part of me also thinks that if shes having such difficulty arranging to meet for a drink after 7pm, she might not have the time to really develop a relationship at all. Thoughts?

Cheers,
Rain Check Rob

 

Dear Rain Check Rob,

Scheduling a date seems to be a common problem in the online dating world.  I have talked to many other men and women who are dealing with the same issue that you are; their date keeps rescheduling due to their busy and unreliable schedule at work.  Normally, if a girl continues to cancel on you before your first meeting, I’d tell the guy to take that as a hint that she actually is no longer interested in dating you.  I don’t think this seems to be the case with your scenario since she is continuing to reach out to you and offering you another date to meet.

This is a difficult situation to evaluate because it seems to be out of her control, but at the same time, her crazy work schedule should not be continuing to effect your life and hurting your ego.  Each time she asks to reschedule, I can imagine part of you is losing interest.  It seems that week nights are an issue for her due to her career, so I would suggest to her meeting on the weekend instead.  I know usually in the online dating world we would rather schedule our dates on the week nights in order to save up our actual free time with our “real friends” for the weekends.  If you want to make dating a priority in your life, you should treat it as such and take her out on a Friday or Saturday night, or even for coffee or brunch during the day if you’re trying to save some cash.  You both have to compromise.

I can only imagine your frustration with the constant rescheduling to just meet her for the first time.  I don’t think it’s too skeptical for you to think that pursuing a relationship with her may be a waste of time if she can’t even schedule one date with you.  However, I do think that the first date may be hard to schedule BECAUSE she’s never met you, and may not feel like she owes you anything yet.  Once she meets you, and you dazzle her with your personality and charm, then she may not be as likely to keep rescheduling.   That being said, I think it is totally your decision whether or not you want to keep playing the rescheduling game or give up.  If it were me, I’d probably remain interested in meeting the person, but I would maybe take one or many eggs out of that basket.  Continue to pursue other ladies, and who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone else while you wait for this other girl to pencil you in.

While on the topic, it is important to realize that many people who are choosing to online date are doing it because they’re “too busy” to meet people the “normal way”.  It’s a tough predicament for people of our generation to be in.  Most people our age are making their career a priority over their love lives.  They are lazy when it comes to pursuing a match online and bringing it in person.  This topic brings me back to an earlier post I wrote about Millennials and online dating.  I think we are putting love and romance on the back-burner, and dates have turned into casual, week-night happy hours instead of something more intimate and well-thought out on a weekend.  Check out my article here: http://notyouraveragebro.com/2013/01/15/post-college-dating-for-millennials/

If you really want to meet her, try scheduling a date on the weekend if week nights are no good for her.  If that still is not working, then maybe put her on your back-burner as she has clearly done to you.   I honestly think that if both of you are dying to meet each other, you will meet.  As long as you both are not making meeting each other a top priority, it will never work out.  It is your call what the “last straw” of canceling will be.  As a message to all of us Millennials out there, if you’re going to be on an online dating site, you need to make sure you have time to not only message people on it, but also MEET THEM!  Isn’t that the point of online dating?  To eventually meet the person?  No one is too busy to fall in love, or at the very least put aside your real life to get a beer with someone who thinks you’re all that (and a bag of chips).   In typical Becca fashion, I’ll end with a pearl of wisdom.  Go for it, or get over it.

Hope this was helpful!

xoxo
Becca

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and like me on Facebook

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Mar 21 2013
4 Comments
Dear Becca...

First Date: To Kiss or Not to Kiss

Hey Becca,

So I have always wondered this, I am a first date kisser, but I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. Obviously if the date is going poorly I am not going to try, but sometimes, you think you are having a great time, and you go to kiss the girl and suddenly you get the “I just wanna be friends” line. Rejection is embarrassing, but at the same time if you don’t go for it, she might not think you are interested.  I feel like there is no easy answer, but maybe you can shed some insight.

Thanks

Smoochy Bro

Dear Smoochy Bro,

Good for you!  I think you have a great mindset about this topic.  I don’t think there are any definitive rules on whether you can kiss on the first date or not.  I think it all depends on the vibe you’re getting on the date. Like you said, if the date seems to be going well, I think it’s great to go in for the smooch!  A lot of people, however, may see the first date as a chance to get to know the person and to decide if they like you or not.  I personally think that the first kiss should happen on the first or second date.  If you wait too long, you’ll get in the Friend Zone or she will think you’re not interested.

I think it’s great that you’re not afraid to go in for the kiss if you feel that things are going well.  If a girl stops you and gives you the “I just want to be friends” line, then move on.  If she was not interested in you romantically, then she should not have accepted a date with you in the first place.  Also, this is a tough pill to swallow, sometimes we go on dates with people, and we realize during the date that we are just not that into them.  It happens to everyone, and it’s embarrassing and hurts the ego, but nothing we cannot recover from.

Some guys may also have a difficult time reading signals from girls.  Just because she’s smiling and laughing does not mean she necessarily wants to sleep with you.  Notice her body language.  Is she leaning into you while you talk?  Is her body facing yours, or it is turned sideways?  Are her arms crossed?  Is she touching your arm or leg while she talks to you?  If she’s touching you in any way on your date (not including if she has to for an activity), that’s usually a good sign she’s interested in you.  Girls like to drop subtle hints that they’re interested, and it’s up to the guy to notice these hints and act on them.

I think you have a great attitude and mindset about kissing on the first date.  If it feels right, go for it.  However, definitely make sure your reading her signals correctly.  For all you other Bros out there, if you’re too nervous on the first date or can’t read her signals, then you don’t have to go in for the kiss.  If you don’t kiss her, then you need to make it crystal clear that you’re interested in her and want to see her again.  I’d even try to schedule in your next date at the end of the night.  Girls like it when you’re aggressive!  In the words of The Little Mermaid, “Go on and kiss the girl”

little mermaid

xoxo

Becca

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 - and like me on Facebook

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